There have been so many wrong routes that I’ve taken in my life because of the confusion and neglect that my mother showed me—all because she saw another man when she looked at me. She never allowed herself to see me. Why so much hate, so much unwelcome criticism? I constantly asked myself, “Am I not her son? Am I that ugly that I frighten her, making her despise me?” I’ve had so many unbelievable experiences I worry that if I say too much, I will be looked at differently in my lifetime by whoever reads this book. However, I still feel that I need to let it all out to be able to move toward a better life, as my psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, counselors, and the ladies in my anger-management classes have told me.
I now say that this book is an example of how some people hide their problems in life by holding them all in. They may say to themselves that they can handle it all, and never expect problems or changes in their minds. They may keep it all in until another situation occurs that makes them feel as if they cannot handle any more problems in their lives. These feelings are made worse by loneliness, and may result in suicide.
I was always one inch away from doing that myself, not caring if I made it to heaven or hell. I had to live a stress-free life to manage my illness, but I did not know how I was going to do so when I believed I had no one to truly love me and be there for me daily. I wondered how I was going to make it when I could not find a job because of my criminal record. What was I going to do? I had depression and anger built up and simmering deep inside of me.
With all of these thoughts going through my mind, I started wanting time by myself. I would sit down quietly and look out at the highway from the front of a complex that I was living in for a while after my brain surgery. I wondered why those people out there were not living a life like mine. I had no car, no family at my side in America, no job, no money, no one telling me “I love you,” and if I went back to the hospital, no one would be there at my side waiting for my recovery. Therefore, I started thinking, writing, watching television, and reading my roommate’s books, which was something I had never liked to do.
Having gone through illness, troubled times, near-death experiences, and years of feeling unloved, I felt I had a story to share; I began writing and became an entrepreneur. I hope to have a great future now that I’ve persevered. I say to those who ask how I’ve made it through, “Be confident in your approach to success in having a better future. Take risks, try new things, become diligent, and find new techniques. Because in the end you will develop a compelling emotional element.”
These are still inspiring words for me. I know that I have made it through trials, so now let me see if I can make it through challenges. I now want to have the most that I can have in life. Therefore, I am now doing the best that I can do in everything that I undertake, including writing my first real book.
I give my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my Father God an apology every night day for the times when I did not believe in His works or existence in my life because of what I was going through. Still to this day, I apologize because of what I have learned about life. Today, I believe that life is an adventure to be enjoyed.
Again, the events that are chronicled in my autobiography are being recounted as I remember them. Here’s my story!